Have you ever had a week where you were told or shown that you've been doing a lot of stuff wrong and then, even when you realised it and tried to make it right, you came to the understanding that it wasn't YOU, but rather, Satan, sifting those around you to twist others' perceptions and views? Its NOT very fun to be a part of that. But, that is the world we live in.
Its not like we can turn around and walk away from those we live with, be it family, friends, church members, school or work mates. You kinda need to suck it up and deal. So really, how does a person DEAL with these feelings of disappointment, discouragement and grief?
You ALWAYS get a choice.
You can, indeed, walk away from everything. This is one of those choices that seems right, especially if its become a pattern in the lives of those causing the grief.
You can also stay put and dig your stinkin' heels in. You can, in effect, stand in the gap for those that you are to love and serve. Yeah, yeah, I know-"Love these people!? They sure ain't lovely." Nope. People are rarely lovely and loveable. I'M rarely lovely and loveable. I've always said my husband got the raw deal because he didn't end up with a sweet, passive wife. Nope.
I'm firey, I talk back and I think about what you've said. I let you know when and where I agree or disagree. I guess I assume that people, when engaging me, expect the dialog.
As I continue to adjust to life here in the Midwest, I'm struck by how introverted I really am. Being introverted doesn't always mean that you are painfully shy. It simply means that you prefer being in the company of ONE-Yourself. It also means that you find small talk extremely painful. For those who have met me in real life, you know exactly what this means.
I often come across as condescending and arrogant. Not wanting to waste my time and energy, small talk is one of those social norms that continues to plague me. I don't "do" chitchat! My poor husband has learned that, when I want to talk about something, I don't beat around the bush. You can only imagine what happens when I get around chatty women...yikes! They think my silence is a mask for insecurity and/or the fact that I do not like them. While, yes, I often have a running dialog in my brain that is answering you if you are speaking to me without allowing me to answer you properly (and I can assure you that you do NOT want me to divulge what is inside my head!), I am most likely doing two things at once: one, answering you very carefully-there is not wisdom in many words- and two, trying very carefully and painfully detect your body language. This "reading" does not come easy to me. Its a learned and practiced art form. If I happen to miss some of your signals, its totally ok to get very blunt and forward with me. Tell me what you need from me. If I can, I will certainly give it.
The other thing I struggle with is not the company of others, its the constant need to entertain whomever is near me. For reasons beyond my capacity to explain, I do not enjoy company that cannot sit in companionable silence with me. I am not a phone talker, I do not seek out others for "tea and company." If you want to be with me, then come and be with me. Its totally ok with me if you become enamored of something else besides me whilst in my presence or home. It is not offensive. It kinda tells me that you really do like me and want to be around me. It makes me feel safe and secure to know that someone is there and while they are there, they aren't trying to command every moment of my life. That gets old pretty quick.
Its been interesting to figure out all this stuff lately. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Talk to me about yourself.
As always, thanks for reading.
Up next, a v-log about weightloss, hopefully.
